2018 — Reflections on 20 Years in Business
In 2018 I left the rat race so abruptly I was in the final stages of phase 1 active pre-natal labor - after a month of prodromal labor contractions and my water breaking - the day we rolled off the island of New York City. I wanted a holistic life in balance with the very basic needs of life. From raising food and raising children to producing business relationships and manifesting resources. I needed a sustainable methodology by which to exist or I would end up a suicide case.
Physical escape aside, I still needed to do the emotional labor cleaning up toxicity from my old life and old programming. This is a time capsule vlog of me pulling back from a toxic cycle of dependency which lasted 20 years. Date: October 2019 9AM.
https://youtu.be/aWuKxHO4u6M
13:48 Minutes He was wrong... He was gaslighting me and I manifested trauma from that belief that I should be alone. Not at peace with self but ALONE.
Part of the toxicity that lead to these thoughts and feelings was a lack of boundaries rooted in rape culture and the idea that a full life for me was one of being a chaste, heterosexual, monogamous, married, woman with kids. That kind of life was supposed to be enough after access to higher education for the sole purpose of a better social status to marry in to.
My natural extroverted personality was thwarted by not only toxic catholic programming but by the very boys I was told was my duty to one day marry, just because they "talked" to me, in order to be happy. Each boy tried to own me. I wouldn't give them what "fast girls" gave so rather than get off and move on, they held on to me in very possessive mannerisms from putting my heart on ice or on layway for when they were ready to settle down or telling their boys I was off limits and to watch her to insure his claim of ownership.
One boyfriend more than others gaslighted me to believe my desire to build relationships of anykind would ruin me. I manifested that fear over and over. When people got close my lack of seeing what boundaries were and understanding how boundaries worked, led to me not defending myself or standing up for what was rightfully mine, thus being pushed over, threatened, RAPED, MOLESTED, betrayed, cheated and rendered silent and frozen.
There is no resolution as yet. I am still in self therapy attempting to heal. I cried out for years to my best friend for help. I cried out for years to my circle for help. My parents couldn’t understand and my family disowned me. If therw had to be a moral of the story it would be, we’re all going through shit and some take advantage and girls have gotten the shit end of the stick. Add to that gender fluidity and television programming we’re all in a state of deep rooted trauma.
