Why I haven’t been able to get a job (first published comedy writing piece)
Applying for a job doesn’t seem risky or dangerous.
Job seekers simply update their resume, upload to a dot com then ride a wave of amazing interviews to land the perfect compensation and benefits package any fortune 500 company could offer.
To the average job seeker finding a job will not trigger a midlife crisis meltdown.
For me it is a low stakes risks with nine eleven alarms going off in my brains. I curl into a corner reciting the same things I told myself the night I was raped. Life may very well come to an end for me just opening my resume for a routine review.
Because … resume writing rules have changed!
Because … the A.I. software can block my application.
- To write press releases
- And to draw pictures on the computer
- To make instagram posts for money
- To code a Wordpress website in plain English
- Sit at a desk playing Roblox
- To troll Instagram and TikTok to boost likes and followers
Because … I won’t be able to buy basic food
- Because … I won’t buy food from the dollar store, only Whole Foods
- Because … I must have all organic to live
- Because … I need the food I eat to not poison me b/c it’s poisoning me
- Because … I need the seeds from the produce
- Because … I can plant the kitchen scraps on my farm
- Because … YES I own an acre of land. That’s 40,564 NBA player sized sneakers
- Because … I have to feed the bugs we live with
- Because … They will kill me and my babies in our sleep
I know this because we trapped 3 mice and 4 scorpions on sticky pads in 1 day!
Because … Managers don’t like that me skin is brown
- I know this Because … I have been judged too harshly compared to my peers
- Literally …. Because … the judgment forces me to research suicide
- Literally …. Because … cutting myself sounds like more fun
So … there’s liquor in my coffee, right now!
- Literally …. Because … Alcohol feels like a hug
- Literally …. Because … my kids will become teenagers and see me as a loser
The same two kids I birthed naturally, at home and on the road
Because … presenting sexy and confident is not my strong point
- Because … I have breasts to my belly button
- Literally …. Because … what a waste of natural tits
- Literally …. Because … I don’t have sex appeal
- Because … my legs won’t spread
- Literally …. Because … men don’t like smart women
NO Sir, don’t say YOU do. Because YOU Sir, don’t have a job to offer me.
How was that? Was it Confusing? Are you Concerned?
Please leave a comment to let me know if you laughed at all of if I should give up now and crawl under another baby breastfeeding for dear life.
